


Longing

by qotgs



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21910873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qotgs/pseuds/qotgs
Summary: Kenny's heart is torn between someone who is good for him and someone he actually has feelings for.
Relationships: Eric Cartman/Kenny McCormick, Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch
Kudos: 48





	Longing

_Please meet me by the bleachers after school!_

The note wasn’t signed, and it didn’t need to be. It was obvious who the author was from the big, bubbly letters written in light blue gel pen, the polite nomenclature, and the childish innocence behind the act of slipping a hand-written note inside a locker instead of just texting. Kenny stared down at the note, then peered a little ways down to his left in search of the person who had left it for him. But Butters wasn’t standing at his locker, nor anywhere in this vicinity, it seemed. Kenny put everything he didn’t need for his homework (which he may or may not end up doing) into his locker and slammed it shut. He looked down at the note in his hands again before shoving it into his backpack, which he swiftly zipped up and slung over his shoulder.

As he made his way out of the school and into the cold air outside, Kenny wondered what Butters could want with him. Based on the way the other had been acting around him recently, he had a feeling in the back of his mind that he already knew the answer, but he was hoping his instinct was wrong. He would hate to let down someone who already took so much shit from the people around him.

As if to rub salt in the likely soon-to-be wound, he was approached by Eric Cartman on his way to meet him.

“Hey!” came his friend’s voice as he ran up to him. Kenny didn’t stop or even slow down to make it easier for Cartman; he just kept walking. “Where the hell are you going?” Cartman was panting between his words when he caught up to Kenny. Christ, he was that out of breath just from jogging thirty feet? Even Kenny, with his complete lack of muscle mass, didn’t think he’d be put out by that. Cartman really needed to lose some damn weight. But then he wouldn’t be as soft to lean against when they were watching TV.

“I have to go talk to someone,” Kenny said, attempting to refocuse his thoughts on Butters rather than Cartman. He wasn’t sure which was worse.

“Right. And I’m assuming by ‘talk to,’ you mean ‘get my dick sucked by?’”

Kenny groaned and rolled his eyes without looking down at the current source of his annoyance. “No. I mean talk to. What do you care, anyway?” As they were getting closer to the bleachers, Kenny could see Butters standing in the distance. He quickly turned to face Cartman and stopped walking. He didn’t want to continue this conversation within earshot of Butters, or close enough for Cartman to figure out who he was going to meet.

“Aren’t you coming over to watch the new Terrance and Phillip? It’s the season premiere in America tonight,” Cartman reminded him.

“Yeah, but that isn’t ‘til like eight o’ clock,” Kenny retorted. “It’s only 2:45.”

“But I want you to be there before Kyle and Stan so I don’t feel like blowing my brains out.” Cartman’s voice was only slightly whiny. “I seriously can’t stand hanging out with those guys alone anymore.”

It was obvious that Cartman really didn’t like hanging out alone with Stan and Kyle. But Kenny had to wonder if there was even a small chance that Cartman also wanted some time alone with him. It was impossible to tell.

“I’ll be there, okay?”

“Early.” It sounded more like a demand than a request.

“Fine. Now leave me alone.”

“Yeah, yeah. Have fun with your one-afternoon-stand, McWhoremick.”

“Shut the fuck up, I already told you that’s not what it is.” Kenny crossed his arms and stared down at the seemingly perpetually angry face of his best friend.

“Come over as soon as you’ve washed the smell of pussy or dick off of yourself,” Cartman said without missing a beat, then turned around and walked away.

“Fuck you!” Kenny called after him. “Ugh.” He really wished that entire exchange had never happened. He roughly pulled his hood onto his head. Over the years, he had had several different orange parkas. They served as comfort objects for him. Whenever he was upset or angry or afraid, pulling it closer to his body seemed to calm him down a bit. Not to mention that he got cold pretty easily, what with having no meat on his bones to speak of and all. He usually kept the hood down these days; he was sick of people constantly asking him to repeat himself when they couldn’t understand him. But he still liked to have it on when he was distressed. And Cartman had a tendency to make him distressed for more reasons than he’d care to admit.

Kenny turned back towards the bleachers and took a few steps forward before hesitating. He should probably be calmer when approaching this situation. It wouldn’t be fair to Butters for him to go into it already feeling like shit and potentially being short with who was essentially an innocent bystander. He needed a cigarette.

He sighed and sat down on the curb where the football field met the parking lot. He retrieved a cigarette and a lighter from his backpack and lit up. He sincerely felt bad for making Butters wait, but it was important to have a clear head going into this. He took a long drag and held it in for a few seconds longer than he normally would, and then slowly exhaled. He closed his eyes. _Don’t think about Cartman. Don’t think about Cartman._ It was truly sad how often this thought dominated his mind. And trying to get rid of it never really worked. The fat piece of shit was constantly in his head. Gloating. Laughing at him. Mocking him. And sometimes fu—

There was a tap on his shoulder. His eyes shot open and he looked up.

“Kenny?” Butters was peering down at him.

“Shit.” Kenny stood up. “Sorry to make you wait, dude. I just... really needed a cigarette, and you know, secondhand smoke and all. I didn’t wanna bother you with it.”

“Oh, that’s okay, Kenny.” Butters smiled sweetly, looking more angelic than Kenny had ever felt even when he had a halo and wings. “It does make me kinda concerned for you, though...” he said, his smile fading slightly.

“Don’t worry about me,” Kenny said. He took one last drag before dropping the cigarette onto the pavement and stomping it out. He put a reassuring hand on Butters’ shoulder and smiled. “You wanna talk by the bleachers?” he asked. It was a bit more secluded and private over there.

“Oh! Yeah!" Butters’ fists tightened slightly around the straps of his backpack. "You knew I was the one who wrote the note?”

“Yep, I could tell.” Kenny started to walk to where Butters had originally been waiting, and the other quickly followed.

“How did you know?” Butters asked tentatively.

“I recognized your handwriting.” That wasn’t entirely true; Kenny didn’t know off the top of his head exactly what Butters’ handwriting looked like. However, when he had seen it, he somehow just knew it was his.

When they arrived just under the edge of the bleachers, they stopped and just looked at each other for a few moments, neither saying anything to the other. Butters bit his lip and rubbed his knuckles together. Kenny wished he had taken his cigarette with him.

“So what did you wanna meet me for?” Kenny asked. It was probably best to tackle this head-on, even though he actually wanted to run away.

“Right, um...” Butters hesitated, and his cheeks went from pale to pink. “Well, I need to tell you something, Kenny.”

“Go for it.” Kenny did his best not to allow his face to show any emotion.

“Um...” Butters’ voice wavered a bit. He looked down at his knuckles, which were rubbing each other raw, then back up at Kenny. His big blue eyes reminded Kenny of a doll, or maybe a nervous puppy. “I like you, Kenny. I- I have a crush on you, I mean.” After he spoke, he let out a deep exhale, as if he had been holding his breath for hours and was finally getting some relief.

Kenny’s heart sank into his stomach. Just as he had feared. “Oh.”

They stood there for a moment, Butters anxiously awaiting a response and Kenny desperately trying to find the right words to say.

Butters had become a close friend of his over the years. He was probably even on the same level of friendship to Kenny as Stan and Kyle were. He was the sweetest person Kenny knew. He had a pure heart, an optimistic attitude, and a childlike innocence that he had held onto far longer than he, or anyone else he knew, had. He was kind and caring. A great guy all around. And he was attractive. Slightly chubby in a way that gave his body an almost feminine appeal. He had pretty hair, pretty eyes and a pretty face. Kenny would be lying if he said he had never had a passing thought of ‘I’d hit that.’ He tried not to sleep with close friends, though. It posed a very real risk of ruining that friendship, and potentially even relationships with mutual friends. He especially couldn’t do that to Butters. The guy was too sensitive; he would get emotionally attached, and all Kenny would do is hurt him.

He wished he liked Butters. Things would be so simple if he did. They’d get together, become high school sweethearts, and then get married after graduation and live a sickeningly sweet domestic life together. It would be perfect. Kenny desperately wished it could be that way.

But it couldn’t. He was far too self-destructive to fall for someone like Butters. Someone who would love him back and treat him right. No, he had to be the idiot who was obsessed with a person who was so, so wrong for him (or for anybody, for that matter). Again he could hear that cruel laughter in his mind that turned his stomach in disgust and then gave him butterflies like a stupid, naive schoolgirl with a crush on her teacher.

He realized he had been standing in silence, thinking, for too long. He had to say something. He had to be delicate. He sighed heavily. This was going to be painful.

“Look, Butters...”

“Yeah?” Butters rocked on his heels, eagerly anticipating Kenny’s response.

“I’m really sorry, but I just... don’t feel the same way.” As Butters’ face fell, Kenny felt as if he had just committed a heinous murder. The guilt hit him like a bullet through the gut. And that was a feeling he knew quite well.

“Oh.” Butters looked very small then. His gaze dropped to the ground and he hugged his arms around himself.

“I’m so sorry. Really.” Kenny cringed at his own words. “I really like you, Butters, just... not in that way.”

Butters nodded. “I understand.” His eyes looked shinier than usual, and he sniffled. He really was beautiful. Kenny wished he could fall in love with him right then and there.

“Can we please still be friends?” Kenny asked, his tone genuine and his words coming from the heart. “You’re a really important person to me. I would hate to lose you.”

Butters nodded again. At the motion, a few tears fell from his eyes, which he quickly wiped away with his sleeve. Kenny wanted to be struck by lightning. He felt like such a piece of shit for making his friend feel this way. “I’m so sorry,” he said again.

“I-It’s okay, Kenny.” He could hear that Butters was holding back sobs. “You can’t change the way you feel.”

Kenny wanted to apologize again but he restrained himself. He wanted to hug Butters but he was afraid that might just add insult to injury. “I really care about you,” he said.

“I know you do.” Butters still wasn’t looking at him. After a brief moment of awkward silence, he spoke again. “Please don’t tell the fellas about this, okay? I’ll get made fun of.”

“Of course, dude,” Kenny said. “I won’t tell anyone.”

“I gotta be heading home now,” Butters said, his voice curt. He grabbed onto the straps of his backpack again and walked past Kenny without looking at him. “See you around.” His shoulders were shaking as he walked away.

“Bye,” Kenny said softly. He felt like a moron. And an asshole. And a sad excuse for a friend. He really fucking hated himself sometimes. He watched Butters leave, and waited until he was a small speck in the distance before kicking the bleachers hard enough that he could have broken a toe if he had been wearing sneakers rather than boots. “Fuck!” He kicked it again. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” He let himself fall onto the grass then. It hurt when his bony ass hit the hard ground but he didn’t give a shit. He threw his backpack onto his lap and fished around in it for another cigarette.

“I am such a piece of shit,” he said quietly to himself before inhaling. He couldn’t force the mental image of Butters curled up under his covers crying to himself out of his head. The poor guy deserved someone better. Kenny was taking another drag when his phone vibrated from within his backpack. He took it out and had to laugh incredulously when he saw who it was. The universe just fucking loved tormenting him.

_Cartman: aren’t you fuckin done yet???? get your skinny ass over here bitch_

Kenny deeply hated every part of himself that liked receiving this text. It hadn’t even been very long since the two had parted ways. Was Cartman really that desperate for his attention? What a shitty thing to hope for when he felt like he had just ripped Butters’ heart out, thrown it on the ground and stomped all over it. He heaved a heavy sigh and thought for a long moment before responding.

_Kenny: i’ll be there soon. but you have to have food for me or my skinny ass is going home_

He shoved his phone into his pocket, zipped his backpack up, slung it over his shoulder once again, and stood up.

His thoughts flipped back and forth between Butters’ forlorn, crying face and Cartman’s cruel, inviting grin as he walked away from the school and towards the house where, if he was lucky, he would be able to steal a squeeze of a hand or even a thigh and try to avoid thinking about the heart he had just broken.

_I am a terrible person_ , he thought to himself. _So I guess I deserve someone who’s terrible, too._

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally going to be entirely unrequited Bunny with just really subtle hints of Kenman, but I couldn't help myself.


End file.
